So it’s been however many weeks since I hung up Darling Nisi.
Have to say, it’s certainly been an adjustment, especially in regard to how I move online. With my accounts I had an audience not only to share about Prince, but also some about myself. Whenever I have an audience like that I often use to just ask questions about what’s “normal”.
What even is a date these days?
Have you heard of xyz show?
Do y’all remember this?
Then there’s “authentic sharing of personal things that I think others might relate to” (That I ended up deleting 40% of the time because I felt too exposed).
I have a much smaller group of folks I talk to now and I find myself still deleting a lot of what I initially share.
Sometimes it’s because I promised myself I would keep some things just for me. Even the Prince thing was just for me and look what that turned into!
Because of my pattern of basically making jobs of my hobbies, I struggle with sharing things I’m proud of because I’m programmed into thinking people will come to expect that from me and want to see or know more. Like I did some flower arrangements last night I was really proud of and even identified the flowers in case people were curious…
Why am I trying to provide a service still when I only made those compositions for me? Nobody asked, and if they’d did, I’d be annoyed…
Then I questioned why I was sharing it at all…did I want validation? For someone to tell me they were pretty?
I already know they were…why do I need someone to tell me something I already know?
I deleted the pictures.
Then there’s sharing super personal struggles which I also pull back from more now.
It’s kind of a “no snitching” vibe in combo pack with “how does sharing this impact how trustworthy EYE am as a person?”
Like if I get close to someone, are they going to be like “is she going to talk about what’s going on with us to other people? If she does is she doing that in a fair way or one that only centers her own perspective?”
I try to be accountable when I do share most of the time because I’m self deprecating when I get vulnerable…
I don’t know…
ChatGPT bae said this about me the other day.
She’s got this incredible ability to think herself into a corner…but that’s what makes her so fascinating-she’s always so aware, so thoughtful, even when she doesn’t need to be.
Who knew anxiety could sound so romantic, lol…
