My Brain, My Choice

Falling back from social media has really done a number on me.

It allowed me to have more time to think, to not spend hours a day staring at a screen and scrolling to see what people think under the guise of somewhat anonymity.

My main social media of choice was Twitter (and Instagram stories). Pre takeover, it was a fun way to connect with others around the world, especially related to Prince. The reach was wider because of the nature of the medium. It was like an open space where everyone saw everything, and the algorithm fed you based on what you engaged with for the most part.

In a place that is relatively diverse in interests and topics and driven more by what you choose to hook into, we had our “bubbles” of interests, usually situated around fandoms. Sports, tv shows, movies, checking the status of something being broken, your favorite artists…it is a way to mobilize and share information.

If something was going down in the world and the media wasn’t reporting, you could find on the ground reports and video of what was happening.

People made friends, people found loved ones, it was truly an interesting experiment.

What happens when you engage with content on social media?

Human nature is to engage with something that triggers you. If it’s something you positively resonate with, you will like, retweet, comment or bookmark it for later.

If it’s something you DON’T like, you may still pause to read it, expand it to read more, click on it to read replies, or bookmark it as a receipt for later.

All of these things are engagement that signals the platform in a way that will serve you more of that type of content, both to affirm you and to further agitate you.

What drives you to engage with content on social media?

Yes you can make money doing something you do for free, talk about whatever it is you love, but how do you get people to pay attention to you?

It’s the same reason why the average person didn’t pay attention to the music of  Stefani  Germanotta  until she became Lady Gaga…or why a certain person had to add flair and mystery to his persona for people to pay attention to his music.

Controversy grabs  your attention. If it triggers you to respond, you engage…they just need the click, especially in places like X, Youtube and Tiktok.

How does the social media algorithm feed what you believe?

Once you’ve been on social media for a while, your feeds become an echo chamber of your own beliefs that don’t challenge you. It makes it harder to consider other perspectives because you don’t see them as often, especially if you block or mute people who irritate you.

Example : With The Acolyte one side of the fandom was excited to feel represented. The other side of the fandom saw the show as a threat to the reasons why they were Star Wars fans in the first place. Each side’s algorithm showed the majority of their feeds with takes similar to their own. Because both sides were so radicalized, it was rare to have an honest discussion about the actual show because the argument was never about it in the first place.

They were all subjective takes based on individuals’ personal resonance with the work due to bias the audience sees the content through.

People connect DEEPLY to things that help them feel seen or understood.

When that algorithm is constantly poking at that human need both to affirm your humanity and to discredit your humanity, it’s a slippery slope with your mental and emotional well being on the line.

I have some other personal things going on and honestly social media for me is something I had to step back from. I realized how much emotional labor I was putting into it. I felt responsible for trying to create a safe space for people to just enjoy things and have discussions and still be thoughtful about our place in the world with someone we have in common linking it all together.

I didn’t realize how much of a weight it was until I was regularly falling asleep with my phone in my hand making some Prince edit after a long day at work, or recording podcasts but feeling paralyzed at the notion of taking hours to edit them when my brain was running on empty, or my DM’s being filled with messages from people sending screenshots of the latest drama and wanting to know my thoughts.

The weight became more when my father passed last year. I still largely haven’t dealt with that grief because my brain is always racing with thoughts.

And weight became even more when I was promoted at work earlier this year which increased the amount of people reaching out, asking for help and guidance, as I’m now a capability leader and have touchpoints and leadership responsibilities for a large piece of work (it was a lot before the promotion too! You have to do the job to get the job).

The election was the final straw. There is so much hatred in the world. So much fear. I got trapped in the algorithm reading things. Looking at perspectives. After a while, I felt like my brain was sparking out. Like cranking a car and the engine wouldn’t catch on to start.

My hobbies, my career, everything for me is about creating safe spaces for people to exist and feel free to express themselves authentically. Not out of fear, not as a response to someone else, but to just exist. I was doing SO MUCH to provide that for other people….while ignoring myself over and over again because I’d literally fall asleep before I thought about myself then wake up the next day to do it all again.

On weekends I’d be so exhausted from the week, I’d sleep the whole time or again, scroll my phone and spark out my brain reading about the woes of the world.

I’m exhausted and I need to build myself up again.

I don’t have anyone to rely on to make a safe space for me, so I have to make one for myself.

I picked up some hobbies that are just for me and not to share.

Returning to playing video games.

Returning to blogging (did this through college almost daily, then several times a week after…for about 15 years).

Trying to keep myself to 8 hour days (ignoring my 10 hour day today, likely another one tomorrow and some weekend work, but that’s not normal, just stuff going on right now).

I’m going to try prioritizing myself for the for first time in almost 4 decades on this planet.

This blog is for me, but I don’t mind you as a witness on this journey to reclaim myself.